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Pursuit of Happiness (What’s Past is Prologue 3/18) - Mo's Journal
July 20th, 2005
06:49 am


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Pursuit of Happiness (What’s Past is Prologue 3/18)
Half-awake, I reached for Adam, and found I was alone in bed. That woke me up the rest of the way. A glance at the nightstand showed his glasses weren’t there, so I knew he hadn’t just gone to the bathroom. I found him at the dining table, laptop in front of him, writing. He didn’t hear me come in, I guess. I watched him for a minute. Hair all tousled, my bathrobe wrapped around him, fingers moving quickly on the keyboard. I came up behind and put my arms around him, bending down to kiss him on the neck.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi, back.” He turned in his chair to face me, pulling me down onto his lap. We kissed, long and slow. He tasted like coffee. I noticed the half-filled mug, a Frontrunners one. I took him by the lapels of my robe and he looked a little sheepish. “I got cold,” he said.

“No problem. Mi casa es su casa. Mi bathrobo es? Okay, so I don’t speak Spanish, which is pretty disgusting considering I’ve lived all my life in California.” He laughed. “Use my bathrobe. Use my coffeemaker. I want you to feel at home here. Feel free to use my body, too.” I kissed him, tongue meeting his again, opening the robe and sliding my arms in and around him. He pulled back from the kiss. His hands were stroking my thighs now, one sliding up and teasing my balls a little. I was getting hard from his touch, even more so as he looked down to watch, the look on his face saying he liked what he saw. I smiled at that and he looked up, meeting my gaze.

I picked up the coffee mug and took a sip. “What have you been working on?” I asked. “The NIH piece?”

He shook his head. “I’ll work on that on the plane going back. I’m just taking some notes on Charles Xavier’s life.”

“How come?”

“Scott Summers wants me to write up some stuff. To put in the program for the Memorial Service next month.”

“Is that why you’re going to Westchester?”

“Part of it, anyway. Cyclops wants to meet about that, I know, although I got the impression there’s something else he wants to talk about, too.”

“What do you think is up?”

“I don’t know. He just sounded strange.”

“Well, he’s in mourning, right?”

“Yeah, they all are. It’s a huge loss. Charles Xavier was... unique. I wish you’d known him.”

“Me, too. I’d like to meet the rest of them.”

“I hope you will some time. Anyway, I’ll interview Scott to get ideas for what to say about Charles, but I thought I’d start with jotting down what I know. Mostly I was just keeping occupied until you got up.” He turned to the clock on the laptop, his hand brushing across my leg again. “You woke up early.”

“You’re up.”

“Yeah, well I’m still on east coast time, really. This is your chance to sleep in. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

“I can nap after you’re gone. I want this time to be with you.” I stood up, and took Adam by the hand, pulling the robe off of him as I pulled him up. “Come back to bed.”

My bed’s low to the ground. I like it that way. It allows for some interesting possibilities. I was glad that Adam seemed fully willing to try some of those interesting possibilities out. Before long I had him lying on his back, across the bed, feet on the floor. I was on the floor, kneeling between his legs, hands on his thighs. I could feel his legs trembling a bit. I wasn’t sure why, but I liked it. I started licking all up and down his long hard dick, feeling his legs shake, listening to the pleased sighs I was coaxing from him. “I love your cock,” I said, in between licks. And I meant it. I can’t get enough of him – taste, sounds, all of it. Sucking him in, feeling him filling my mouth, pushing his hips up to get more of it into me. Greedy, eager, wanting – he was making me crazy. I was hard as a rock and dying to fuck him, but not wanting to let his cock out of my mouth long enough to do that. It was a dilemma, albeit a pleasant one.

I reached for a condom and a nearby tube of lube, continuing to suck on the head of that beautiful cock as I opened the wrapper and slipped the condom on me. He tasted so good, and he was saying my name now, low and longing, again and again, his fingers in my hair while I played with him with my tongue. Squeezing some lube onto my hand, I stroked myself as I spread it on me. Oh Adam, I want to do everything with you, and all at once. If I’d been a gymnast instead of a runner, I might have been able to manage it.

I held him by the ass, fingers probing. “Please,” he was saying now, pushing my head down so I’d suck more of that beautiful cock in. As he filled up my mouth, I slid a lubed-up finger into him, feeling him push down to meet my hand.

After a while I took my mouth off of his dick, one hand on that round ass, a finger still inside him. Stroking from root up to cock head with the other hand, I licked my way up his body now. I lingered at the navel, salty/sweaty taste as I pushed my tongue into that hole, then continued kissing and licking up his belly and chest. I forced myself to move slowly – almost lazily - stroking Adam’s cock. His breathing was speeding up. He was panting now. I sucked hard on his right nipple, and pinched the left one, making Adam groan in a way that went straight from my ears to my cock.

But was that sound pleasure or pain? “Too hard?” I asked him.

“No, it feels good. Pinch hard. Both of them.”

I did what he asked of me, no longer worried that my enjoyment was his pain. Both hands on his nipples now, I played with him like that, pinching and twisting, until I couldn’t stand it anymore. “I want to fuck you now,” I told him. I have to fuck you right now, I thought, pulling myself back from him and up on my knees.

Adam nodded, eyes closed. I pulled his legs up over my shoulders, then positioned myself right at that tight hole. Leaning down I kissed him on the mouth, pushing my tongue in while I pushed the head of my cock into him. His eyes were opening now, with a kind of vacant, spaced out, lusty look that made me want to push in farther, but his body was tightening. He grabbed onto my shoulders and squeezed as I entered him. I pulled away from his mouth. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Go all the way in now.”

Oh yeah. I made myself go slowly, a bit at a time, until I was in him all the way up to my balls. His head fell back on the bed, mouth open and his eyes closed again. I put one hand on Adam’s hip and the other round that beautiful cock, feeling like I never wanted to let go. Holding him like that I moved in and out, slowly and rhythmically, timing myself to the sighs coming out of him.

We were moving faster now, working together, harder and faster. I needed both hands to hold him by the hips, to steady us on the bed while I pushed into him hard and strong. I watched him reaching for his own cock as I let it go, rubbing it as forcefully as I was fucking him. “Oh God,” Adam said. “It’s so good like this. Push it in. Fuck me hard.”

I did, ramming it into his hot, tight hole, over and over again, loving how he gripped my cock with his asshole and his own cock with his hand. The sudden spurt of cum all over my belly, the way he said my name while the sticky stuff spread on me, the way he looked at me when he finally opened his eyes – it all made me fuck him harder, pounding him into the bed again and again. I was talking now, but I’m not sure what I was saying. “I love you” came out in a whisper just before I came. I hadn’t meant to say it. I wasn’t sure he heard me. If he did, he didn’t say anything about it.

We lay down on the bed side by side afterwards. “I wish I didn’t have to leave so early this time.” He pulled me closer as he said it, kissing my neck, stroking my hair.

“I wish you didn’t, too. Still, I think it’s great you’re helping the X-Men. You know, that it’s not dependent on your relationship with Jean-Paul.”

“Jean-Paul’s how I met them, but I do feel like I have an independent connection now. And I was involved in mutant rights before I’d ever met Jean-Paul.”

“Yes, of course.” After a minute I asked him, “Will he be there?”

“Will who be where?”

“Jean-Paul. Will he be in Westchester when you’re there?”

“Yeah. He’s there a lot lately. They want him to join the X-Men full time.”

“I guess I shouldn’t suggest you say hi to him for me.” Adam didn’t answer. “Do you think he will? Join full time, I mean.”

“It sounds like he will. We’re supposed to talk about it when I see him. How it would work with Ezra and all that.”

“Ezra’s there with Jean-Paul?”

“Yeah, he’ll come home with me later in the week, after I’m done in Westchester.” He turned over then, lying face down on the bed. I put one hand on his ass, thinking about what it had felt like fucking him. “There’s something else I need to talk to Scott about while I’m there,” he added. “That guy from the Washington Times you sicced on me.”

“Rick? He called you?” Adam nodded. “That was okay, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, fine. I didn’t give him the information he wanted, but he was nice enough, anyway.”

“He’s a good guy.” I kissed him and added, “Pretty good in bed, too.”

“I had wondered.”

“You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, of course not.”

“You’d like him, I think.” The just-fucked glow on him was irresistible. I pulled him on top of me and he lay with his head on my chest. “Hey, maybe we could have a three-way sometime.”


I shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

“I haven’t... well, I haven’t done anything like that for a long time.”

“Right. You and Jean-Paul were into that whole monogamy thing.”

He laughed. “You say it like it’s some weird kink or something.”

“I guess it seems that way to me, a little. That was more him than you, right?”

“No, I don’t think so. Maybe at the start. He’d wanted to earlier, but by the time we agreed to it, I was fully on board. Or thought I was, until I slipped up with you.”

“I’m glad you ‘slipped up.’ Aren’t you?”

Adam sighed. “No, not really. I’m glad to be with you. I wish we’d met some other way.”

“I don’t think monogamy is natural. Not for men, anyway.”

He smiled. “Lots of things that aren’t natural are still worth doing.”

“Don’t tell me you think gay sex is unnatural? Every culture, every species –“

“Jake! Of course I don’t think that. I’ve been out a long time. I did manage to educate myself.” He smiled, and added, “A little, anyway. Maybe not like what you got at home, but enough. No, I was thinking about reading.”


“Yeah, as a species we’re not evolutionarily adapted to it. That’s why so many of us are nearsighted. You can see it when cultures get introduced to written language. Suddenly, myopia abounds. And for people like me,” he added, reaching for his glasses, putting them on, “it adds to the problem. I know it’s because I read so much that my eyes are getting worse when a lot of people’s have stabilized by my age, but it’s worth it to me. I’d rather wear glasses all the time and keep reading. It’s one of my favorite unnatural acts.” I laughed at that. He continued, “So, maybe monogamy is unnatural, too, but it felt worth it to me to go against nature when I was in a committed relationship.”

“And you never did it with anyone else all that time?” He shook his head. “Never even thought about it?”

“Oh I thought about it plenty. Nothing wrong with thinking, with looking, with imagining. Look, but don’t touch – that was my motto. That’s what I thought was going on with you and me at first.”

“Do you wish it had stayed like that? If we’d never met – if you and I had never fucked – you and Jean-Paul might still be together.”

“You didn’t break us up. We did that to ourselves.” He changed the subject. “This guy Rick? A gay reporter at the Washington Times. Can you imagine working at a place like that?”

“Well, he’s not out at work.”

“I didn’t think he would be. Still, it must be hell working there. I couldn’t do it.”

“Me, neither.”

“Have you always been out at work?”

“Yeah. Sports isn’t an easy beat for queer reporters, in general, but this is San Francisco. And I’ve pretty much always been out everywhere.”

“Good for you. I was 25 before I came out to my mother, even.”

“It’s different for me, being second generation and all.”

Adam shook his head. “That boggles my mind, you know. I can’t imagine growing up like that, with a gay father.”

“Ezra is.”

Adam laughed. “Yeah, two even. I wonder whether he’ll be gay or straight.”

“Do you care?”

“I don’t know. Did your dad mind?”

“I’ve always wondered that, if he would rather I’d been straight. He never let on, if he was disappointed when I came out. Well, he wouldn’t. I mean, like you said, I was getting educated in queer politics and queer theory all the time at home. I’d been taken to Pride parades since I was in diapers; I was raised to be an activist. Yet, somehow I wonder if he was a little taken aback when I was fifteen and brought home my first boyfriend. If so, he covered it up well.”

“It’s natural to want your kids to have an easier life. It’s still hard to be gay sometimes. Look at your friend Rick, hiding out at work.” He thought some more. “With Ezra, I do wonder occasionally whether he’ll be gay or straight. I wonder if he’ll be a mutant, too. I’d like to think I don’t care either way. I think I’d have an easier time with him coming out than coming into his powers, though.”


“I don’t know.” He sat up, seemed to think about it for a minute. “Maybe I want him to be more like me, less like Jean-Paul? Breaking up has changed so much. He’s such a great father to Ezra – so fun, much more creative than I am. A hell of a lot more patient. When we were together, I thought all that was wonderful. I admired it; I gloried in it. I still think it’s great for Ezra that he’s like that, but maybe I feel a little in competition with him now, too. Maybe I worry that Ezra will grow closer to him and I’ll get kind of cut out, you know? Particularly if they have being a mutant in common and I don’t.” He sat up. “Sorry. I don’t mean to dump this stuff on you.”

“Don’t apologize. I want to hear it. I think it’s just adjustment stuff, though, you know? You’re still trying to work out all the co-parenting issues and it makes you feel insecure. Maybe you’ll feel better after you talk to Jean-Paul about the X-Men job and figure out how to handle it with Ezra. Ezra will probably spend most of his time in DC with you and Anjuli, won’t he?”

“I don’t know.”

I thought back to what Adam had said before. “Why do you want to talk to Scott Summers about Rick?”

“Because Rick wanted to talk to me about Scott Summers. That’s what he’s working on, a story on Scott. So I figured he should know.”

“I suppose he’s getting a fair amount of press attention now, since he’s taking over the X-Men.”

“Yeah, but this is something different. I wish they hadn’t put in the press release that he was Charles’s son. That’s what your Rick is looking into. He wants to know if he really is.”

“Is he? Charles adopted him?”

“I don’t think so. I don’t know what the deal was with Scott when he first came to Xavier’s. No one seems to. He doesn’t talk about his childhood. Other than that he’s from a small town in Indiana, I know nothing about him from before Charles took him in. And I’m pretty good at getting people to tell me things about themselves.”

“None better.”

“You’re no slouch yourself. Anyway, he seems to have no contact with any relatives. I always assumed he ran away from home. I wouldn’t think his parents’ rights were ever terminated. I don’t think Charles adopted him. He wouldn’t have been available for adoption.” He threw an arm across me and moved in closer. We fit together so well. “But they definitely considered themselves father and son.” Adam shrugged. “So, as far as I’m concerned they were. Hell, Ezra isn’t legally Jean-Paul’s son, but Jean-Paul’s every bit as much his father as I am. Scott was definitely Charles’s son in every sense but the legal one. And I can see how he wanted that acknowledged when Charles died. Still, I don’t think it was a good idea to call attention to himself that way.”

“Why not?”

Adam shrugged. “Everybody’s got something to hide. You’ve been in this business long enough to know that. And, like I said, he doesn’t talk about anything that happened before he came to live with Charles Xavier. I wouldn’t be surprised if Scott Summers has more to hide than most. This Rick seemed pretty dogged. If I were Scott, I’d want someone to tell me what he’s up to.”

“So you’ll tell him Rick’s looking into his past?” Adam nodded. “Jean-Paul isn’t legally Ezra’s father? I didn’t know that.”

“He couldn’t be. We adopted him in Texas. No way we could do that as a couple. We’d hoped to do a second parent adoption later, in Canada. It’s pretty easy there, at least in the past few years. But then there was the war and we moved to DC, and Jean-Paul isn’t a citizen, so it wasn’t clear how that affected things... I don’t know. The whole thing got legally complicated.”

“So if he has no rights to Ezra, you could just say you’re having sole custody, right? And that’s it? He just gets to see him when you say it’s okay?”

“He knows I’d never do that. At least I hope he does.” Adam thought some more. “Maybe I should just say that to him, tell him plainly that I’d never use my legal advantage. That we broke up doesn’t have anything to do with being Ezra’s parents. That’s for life.”

“Your relationship with Jean-Paul was supposed to be for life, too, right?”

Adam sighed. “Yeah. So maybe he doesn’t trust that I’d keep my commitment to parenting with him, either. I probably should reassure him. I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks for bringing it up.” He looked at the clock by the bed. “I guess I should get dressed.” He sighed. “But you go back to sleep. I can get a cab to the airport.”

“Nah, I want to take you.” I kissed Adam, pushing my tongue in deep, hands in his hair.

“I’ll stay longer next time. I can get the Monday off. Two weeks?” Adam asked, right in my ear, hands on my ass now.

“Yeah, two weeks. I’ll pick you up Friday night. It feels like a long time away. I like having you around.”

“I like being around. We’re good together.”

“How about if I come out to DC next weekend? Then we don’t have to wait so long.”

Adam shook his head. “It won’t work. I’ve got Ezra.”

“So what? I’m good with kids.”

“It’s just... different when I’m with him. It wouldn’t be any fun for you. Really. No going back to bed for a morning fuck, you know?”

“I’m not an idiot, Adam. And I haven’t spent my whole life picking up tricks in bars. I know something about family life. I’m not expecting it would be like when we’re alone. I just want to see you, to spend some time with you. And I want to meet Ezra. I’m your lover; when do I get to meet your son?”

“Jake. I don’t know that...” He didn’t finish the sentence.

“I’m not your lover?”

“It’s not a word we’ve used.”

“Well, what do you call this? We spend every weekend together when you’re not with Ezra. We have great sex. We talk about our work, our lives. You call me up every day. We have phone sex at least a couple times a week while we’re apart. If we’re not lovers, what are we?”

The silence lengthened. “I don’t know,” he said, finally. After a while, he added, “I’m sorry. Maybe this is just too soon.”

“What do you mean?”

“This isn’t fair to you. I like you so much, but I can’t really offer you anything. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m still working things out with Jean-Paul, you know?”

“Are you thinking of getting back together with him?”

Adam didn’t answer for a long time. “I don’t think that would work. Too much has happened.”

“Well, that’s honest. I’d feel a lot better with ‘I don’t want to anymore’ than ‘too much has happened’ but I guess me feeling better isn’t what this is about.”

“I’m sorry, Jake,” he said again. After a while he added, “Do you still want me to come out week after next?”

“Yes.” I said it emphatically. I wanted to say more, but I didn’t know what to say. The silence between us lengthened.

Adam got out of bed. “I’m going to go take a shower, okay? I think I’d better head to the airport soon.”

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(9 comments | Leave a comment)

Date:July 21st, 2005 01:44 pm (UTC)

You broke up Jean-Paul & Adam

Nooooooooooo!!!! I mean excellent chapter but why Jake. Wasn't he the cause of the problems in the first place. This clearly makes me believe that Jake had an effect on Adam from the time of the incident. The insecurity issue of Ezra & Jean-Paul's relationship is founded even though at this stage it's a bit absurd. Ezra will be enthralled by the slightest affection directed at him but like I said Adam reasoning is founded. But did it ever occur to Adam that Jean-Paul might feel the same if Ezra didn't turn out to be a mutant, especially considering he has no legal rights to the child.

Great chapter even though I am a little pissed at Adam right now.
[User Picture]
Date:July 21st, 2005 01:56 pm (UTC)

Re: You broke up Jean-Paul & Adam


LOL! Did you realize it was Jake at first? I was hoping for a reader thinking "They're back together!" and then thinking "Oh no, they're not!" when he says a little more and it becomes clear that the "I" is Jake, not Jean-Paul. That's why I didn't use the Jake icon for it.

I do think you are right that the insecurity wrt Ezra goes both ways, and you'll see more of that as the series progresses. One of the "issues" I'm giving more detail about in the "Additional Information" file is gay parenting and legal issues surrounding it, particularly when couples divorce.

Great chapter even though I am a little pissed at Adam right now.

I'm glad you're enjoying it. You're allowed to be mad at him :-). Stay tuned - today's chapter is Scott and Logan.
Date:July 21st, 2005 06:54 pm (UTC)

Re: You broke up Jean-Paul & Adam

And yes I actually thought the "I" was Jean-Paul. So yes you got me there.
[User Picture]
Date:July 21st, 2005 07:30 pm (UTC)

Re: You broke up Jean-Paul & Adam

Oh good :-). Oh and are you the same "anonymous" who commented on story 4? Just wondering...
Date:July 21st, 2005 09:25 pm (UTC)

Re: You broke up Jean-Paul & Adam

The same anonymous that made comment on part 3 & 4
[User Picture]
Date:September 20th, 2005 07:33 am (UTC)
Aaaaaa! I don't like Jake! I don't think his comments about J-P's parental rights are benevolent, or even just curious.

“So if he has no rights to Ezra, you could just say you’re having sole custody, right? And that’s it? He just gets to see him when you say it’s okay?”

“He knows I’d never do that. At least I hope he does.” Adam thought some more. “Maybe I should just say that to him, tell him plainly that I’d never use my legal advantage. That we broke up doesn’t have anything to do with being Ezra’s parents. That’s for life.”

“Your relationship with Jean-Paul was supposed to be for life, too, right?”

Adam sighed. “Yeah. So maybe he doesn’t trust that I’d keep my commitment to parenting with him, either. I probably should reassure him. I hadn’t thought of that. Thanks for bringing it up.”

Don't thank him, Adam, he wants you to severe your ties with J-P! ::frowns and pouts and frets::
[User Picture]
Date:September 20th, 2005 06:27 pm (UTC)
FWIW, I don't think Jake is evil, or even unusual. Speaking as a divorced lesbian mother, it's very hard for people who aren't queer parents to understand that the legal parent and/or the biological parent isn't more of a parent. We're redefining family and it takes the world a bit of time to catch up.

Still, I think you're right that Jake is seeing an opportunity there. Or what he thinks is one. Adam knows who Ezra's parents are...
[User Picture]
Date:September 20th, 2005 07:33 pm (UTC)
FWIW, I don't think Jake is evil, or even unusual.

Yes, I agree. It's unfortunate that he's not unusual in this regard. BTW, one thing I really enjoy about your stories is their queer sensibility. They're not just stories that happen to have same sex fucking in them. You deal with queer lives and queer issues, like parenting, disagreements about monogamy, etc. I think I've just become an Adam/Jean-Paul shipper, so of course I'm not going to like Jake. ;->

Also, as a child of non-amicably divorced parents, my hackles go up when I see someone - real or fictional, biological and/or legal parent or not - trying to use the child in a divorce for their own ends.
[User Picture]
Date:September 20th, 2005 08:29 pm (UTC)
Thanks for the kind comments. I do try to deal with queer issues (and queer parenting issues, in particular) realistically in my stories and I feel they are informed by my experiences and those of people I know. The opportunity to write about queer lives - about coming out, about same-sex relationships, about queer culture - was one of the things that attracted me to slash. The gay parenting aspect was something that interested me in Jean-Paul from the start. The things he says about being afraid to have another baby after Joanne's death are pretty much word-for-word things said to me by men in his position (minus the superpowers).

I also really like Adam and Jean-Paul as a couple. I like the Scott/Logan relationship because I think it's really interesting, but with Adam and J-P it's not only interesting to me but it's the kind of relationship I'd want to have, in a lot of aspects. J-P says early on that they have enough in common to form a strong bond and enough difference to keep things interesting, and I think that's a great mix.

I particularly like how they - until this last bout, which proved to be beyond their capabilities - manage conflict. They have their share of strife and they do get pretty mad, but they both keep their eyes on the prize and want to work out the problem in a way that nourishes and sustains the relationship. I think they didn't realize that there were stressors that they couldn't handle until the whole Jake thing happened.

When Adam met Jake in Unexpected Occurrences, I really didn't know which way it would go. I wanted to find out what happens when someone like him gets put in a situation where he's most likely to break his commitment to monogamy. Would he or wouldn't he? And, once he does, will he tell? How will J-P take it? As I said elsewhere in comments, I see them as nice guys who did some not-so-nice things, and I think that's how life often is.

I also think Jake's a pretty nice guy, but that's part of the problem. If he weren't a nice guy, Adam wouldn't be involved with him now. And the longer this goes on, the more likely the rift between Adam and J-P becomes permanent.
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