This was turning out to be one big, fucking mess. Mostly a mess I’d made, too. Not that I wanted to think about that part. It was true, though, and I found I kept thinking about it, even though I tried not to. So maybe it was time to stop trying not to think about this mess, which was just getting bigger and messier with not thinking about it. Maybe it was time to try and figure out what to do about it.
First part to figuring out what to do about it was being honest – at least with myself – that it was my own doing. I’d been trying my best to blame Scott. For getting mixed up with Northstar and lying to me about it. For not breaking it off with Jean, not completely. And for talking all that warrior lovers stuff and giving me ideas about shit that has nothing to do with the real world. It was all a pack of lies and I fell for it – the love shit, the story about what he wasn’t doing with Northstar, the shit about how he broke up with Jeannie, telling her it was over for good – all of it. Hook, line and sinker. So I felt like a real jerk when I found out it was just lies.
Only maybe it wasn’t lies. I mean, I thought it was a pack of lies and that’s when I got so mad at him. But then I found out some of it was true, so I don’t know about the rest. It turned out he did break up with Jeannie, after all. I hadn’t believed him, since he wouldn’t tell her about him and me, but then I found out he told me the truth. The truth about what he had said and what he hadn’t. Hadn’t told her about him and me, but then there wasn’t any him and me anymore now so what have I got to be mad at about that? And he did tell her it was over, told her as clear as can be, just like he’d said he’d done. So how am I supposed to stay mad at him for lying and saying he’d told her? Mad about it now I found out he’d been telling me the truth the whole time? Not that the truth was helping any. Well, it helped make this mess but that’s my fault more than Scott’s.
If he hadn’t told her it was over between him and her, that they were finished and done for good, then none of the rest of this would have happened. She wouldn’t have come to me, looking for sympathy, telling me the whole sad story of how she’d fallen in love with Scott years ago, knowing he was gay but thinking he’d get over it. Not knowing I already knew all about it, knew it from Scott, who’d told me when he thought she was dead. Scott, who’d told me he’d never go back to living like that. Scott, who likes dick and knows it. Scott, who told Jean no when she wanted to get back together, when he thought she was an imposter, who told me true he wasn’t in love with her anymore even if she could come back for real. Scott, who wouldn’t do it with her when the Phoenix tried to seduce him through Jean. I did it with her that one time, but he didn’t. I said yes when he said no.
I didn’t tell Jean any of that and she didn’t know what I knew. I don’t think she even knew I fucked her when she was under Phoenix control – she can’t remember nothing from then. I didn’t tell her anything. But she told me. She told me that she’d hoped he’d stop being gay, that loving her would turn him. Only now she knew it wasn’t going to happen like that because he’d told her it was over. She said he told her he’d always want to be her friend, but he just couldn’t love a woman, not the way she needed to be loved. She said he hadn’t said anything about anyone else, but she thought he was doing it with some guy now. I didn’t tell her I’d been the one. If there’d only been one, which I wasn’t so sure about.
Well, I wasn’t the one, or even one of them, not anymore. I hadn’t fucked him, hadn’t so much as touched him since that day I found him with Northstar.
I still wanted him, not that I’d tell him that. Wanted him so much I couldn’t stand it sometimes. Jerked off thinking about him almost every night, remembering stuff we’d done. Hand round my cock, I’d think of being in his mouth, or his ass. Think about stroking him, too. Thinking of the way he says my name when he’s coming. Shit, I can get hard just from remembering the sound of his voice.
I was getting distracted when him and me were working together, too. I found myself looking at his mouth when he was talking in a meeting, and thinking about pushing my tongue in between those lips, or my cock. Hard to concentrate on team business. When I was supposed to be covering his back on a mission, I found myself watching his ass, instead.
When me and Scott were together this didn’t used to happen to me – when we were working, we were working. After the mission we’d fuck each other’s brains out, but I didn’t even think about sex when it was X-Men business. Now I was thinking about it all the time. Sex with Scott and only Scott. Pissed me off, too, how much I thought about him, how I couldn’t manage to think about anybody else. I’d put my hand round my cock, close my eyes, think of some woman with big tits and tight, round ass, but she’d turn into him in my head by the time I was half-hard. I’d go out and wander a bit, think about picking somebody up – man or woman – but I never did. I was horny almost all the time, thinking about doing it day and night, but I couldn’t get myself to do it with anyone else. I had it bad alright.
There were times – late at night, particularly – when I wanted to just go to him, tell him I’m sorry, see if it could be like it used to be with him and me. I’d feel like I’d give anything for the chance to feel him under me again, to be pushing hard in his ass, hearing those moans and sighs and soft words coming out of his mouth while I fucked him. And then I’d think of walking in on him and Jean-Paul that time and I’d change my mind about going to him.
Yeah, Scott and Jean-Paul. That was some sight to see, coming into Scott’s room. I’d been horny as hell and hoping he was feeling the same. And what do I find? Northstar and Scott together. Northstar with his clothes off, or at least no shirt. Scott fingering his nipple ring. I know what those fingers feel like. Pretty obvious Jean-Paul liked what he was doing to him.
Well, there was something I could still be mad at him for. Or could I? All those times I told him it didn’t matter to me what he did, he could do it with whoever he wanted. Well, if it didn’t matter, then why did I feel like killing somebody when I saw them together? It was all I could do to keep the claws in. I don’t even know which of them I’d have killed, neither. Maybe both.
I was mad as hell at Scott for cheating on me, and fucking furious at Northstar for moving in on him like that. Okay, so I’m not sure Scott was cheating, but there was no doubt that was what Jean-Paul was doing. He was trying. For all that Scott said he was just showing him the transmitter, I know he wanted in Scott’s pants. I can smell lust and Northstar reeked of it. Every time he was anywhere near Scott.
I’d known that from the start. Only back then I didn’t care. It was back when Jean was possessed and we thought she was an imposter. That’s when I was first working with Jean-Paul and when I first realized what he wanted. Who cared if Northstar wanted Scott? I knew whose dick Scott was sucking every night. Mine, not that other guy’s. Let Northstar want, that’s what I thought. What do I care? He can want but I’ve got. That’s how I looked at it then. I wasn’t even mad at Jean-Paul. Not then. If anything, I felt sorry for him. It’s no picnic wanting someone you can’t have. I’ve been there.
So what changed? Jean changed from being the Phoenix, but what did that have to do with Northstar? I didn’t know but I thought I should figure it out. It made my head hurt to think about it, but I thought about it anyway. Fuck, if I’m going to be mad all the time, I should at least know why. Okay, so when Jeannie got back to being herself, well it just changed everything for me and Scott. I saw how she looked at him; I heard her tell him “As long as I’ve got you I’ll be okay” and it got me wondering and thinking. And then when he wouldn’t tell her the real deal about him and me, well I was wondering some more. Wondering if there’s anything with her and him. Only there isn’t and I know that now.
And Northstar? Was Scott really cheating on me with him? No. I don’t know if he was doing it with him or not, but if he was, he still wasn’t cheating. Hey, if we got no claim on each other, it ain’t cheating, and that’s what I kept telling him. I wish I could believe it myself, though. But anyway, it’s what I’d been saying.
And since it is what I’d been saying, Scott had no cause to lie to me. If he was doing it with Northstar or anybody else, he could’ve just thrown my own words back at me. He’s never lied to me yet, Scott, not so far as I know. And if I’m honest with myself, I have to say I really would know. He’s not the type to play one against the other. He couldn’t do it. He’d told me the truth about Jean, told me they’d broke up for good. He was telling me the truth about Northstar, too. I knew it, if I really thought about it.
So what the fuck was I so mad about? And what the fuck was I doing with Jeannie? I like Jeannie. I used to think I wanted to fuck her, but it’s not like that for me anymore. Not since Scott and me, not since she’d come back. I’d done it that one time with her when the Phoenix had charge of her – curiosity mostly. That turned out to be a big mistake. So why was I making the same mistake again, now that she was back to being herself?
Partly from being mad at Scott, I guess. Partly from wanting to know what was going on with her and him – which turned out to be nothing, like I said. But mostly it just kind of happened.
There she was telling me her troubles and I was trying to be sympathetic and listen. I didn’t tell her about Scott and me ‘cause I figured it wasn’t my story to tell. Plus by that point there wasn’t any Scott and me anymore, so what was there to say? But I was listening to how betrayed she felt, and thinking that it’s too bad she’s so sad, but it also means Scott told me the truth.
So I’m feeling a little bad that I thought he was lying and a little good to know that he wasn’t and that he told her no fucking way he’d ever get back together with her. And then she’s saying that she really does know it’s for the best, and that she needs to be with a woman-loving man, someone who can really want her and need her, and that it had been a mistake to get involved with Scott from the start. “He was such a good guy, I lost perspective,” she told me.
So I didn’t know what to say and I just said, “There’s lots of good guys out there. Lots would be glad to be with a woman like you.”
And then she’s reminding me how I told her once I could be a good guy for her. And she’s talking about how happy she’s been to see me on the team and teaching and really settling in to be an X-Man. “How long have you been here now, Logan?” she asked. “More than two years, isn’t it?” So I tell her that’s right and she asks me if I ever stayed any one place that long.
“Nah. Well, not that I can remember. I’ve still got these holes in my memory, but everything I do know about is just moving from place to place. It felt really weird to be here at first. I kept thinking I’d leave any day.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“I don’t know. First I think it was just not having anywhere particular to go to yet. Then, after the shit hit the fan and we thought we’d lost you, well I thought I could kind of help pick up the pieces around here for a while.”
“That was kind of a good guy thing to do, don’t you think?”
I shrugged. “Then lately I started feeling like I wanted to stay, wanted to be part of this.”
“Do you have... feelings for anyone, Logan? Feelings that make you want to stay here?”
I was gonna tell her right then. I should’ve told her. If things weren’t so fucked between me and Scott, I would’ve. But between feeling too mad at him to talk about any feelings I had for him other than wanting to kick his ass and feeling like deep down maybe I did want to get back with him like it used to be and worrying that he wouldn’t want me talking to Jean about him and me anyway, I didn’t know what to say.
So, I just nodded and didn’t say anything. Then before I knew it she was kissing me. It caught me by surprise. It just happened. Without thinking about it, I was kissing her back.
So, it looks like Scott was never lying to me after all. He wasn’t cheating on me because there was nothing to cheat about. He wasn’t doing it with Jeannie. He wasn’t doing it with Northstar. He said he still wants me and I think he meant it. Maybe he even meant it about loving me. I know I want to fuck him so bad I can hardly stand it. And I want to be with him, want to be his friend. And yeah, his lover. But this mess with Jeannie makes that pretty much out of the question. And the worst part is that the whole fucking thing is my own damn fault.
This series begins at http://mofic.livejournal.com/31235.html and is also available here
Summers in a Sea of Glory is a sequel to Returning Spring, which in turn was a sequel to After the Fall.